As parents, we want nothing more than to raise healthy, happy, competent children who are able to function independently in the world.  However, in actuality,  reaching the phase of life when they are ready to fly from the nest and venture out on their own can feel very difficult and evoke a range of powerful emotions. Often times it’s the anticipation of this life transition that’s most evocative because it prompts us to consider a litany of questions.

Are they truly ready to be independent?

Have I taught them everything they need to know?

How will they handle new and unfamiliar situations?

What will our relationship be like when we are not living under the same roof?

Will we stay close?

Will the siblings stay in touch with eachother?

How will it feel to not know as many details about what goes on day to day?

Will my child remember to eat their fruits and vegetables?

Will they get up on their own and get to class?

Will they make friends?

How will they get along with their roommate?

Will they make sure to get all their school work done?

Will they drink too much?

What kind of decisions will they make without daily guidance from me?

There is a theme underlying all these questions.  Do you notice it?

All these questions reflect the uncertainty of the future.  It will look different from what you have known, and you don’t know for sure how it will all unfold. This can be unnerving for a parent.  You are surrendering a sense of control you have felt up to this point and transferring it over to our child. Can you trust that they have all the skills they need and that they have the judgement to make decisions that are in their best interest?

Not knowing what the empty nest future will look like can be anxiety provoking indeed.  However, it is truly no different from other uncertainties in life.  You actually never know what the future will entail.

How can you tolerate this, and better yet, thrive while experiencing these feelings?

There are in fact strategies that can steer you away from anxiety and towards a place of calm, and even excitement.

1.  FACILITATE THE TRANSITION TO INDEPENDENCE

In the time you still have before your child leaves the nest, give them opportunities to function more independently.  Step back from doing some of the tasks you may have done such as laundry, meal prep, and wake up calls to give them a chance to practice taking full responsibility. This may mean that you will have to watch them do things differently than you would, and even do them inadequately.  Let them fine tune their own skills and systems by taking the lead while you remain available to guide and answer questions.

You may notice that you experience a mix of emotions in this process including sadness, pride, and anxiety.  Give yourself permission to experience and express these feelings.  You may want to experiment with strategies that help YOU process your emotions.  When you notice powerful feelings do you like to journal, call a friend, meditate, sit with your thoughts, go for a walk, do something productive, or engage in a hobby? Everyone is different. There is no one right way to go about it. Test out many options and create a tool box with a variety of options that appeal to you.

2.  NOTICE ALL THE WAYS YOUR CHILD *IS* INDEPENDENT

Be on the look out for all the signs- small and large- that your child is able to do things for themselves, make good decisions, and figure out how to navigate new situations.  If it appeals to you, make a list that you can reread as needed to remind yourself of times they have reassured you they have what it takes to succeed. Take note of the alarms they set, the shifts at their job they got to on time, the phone call they made to address an adult situation, the way they looked up directions to a new location they were visiting, and the times they have shushed or you pushed you away from interfering. Refer back to this list when you are doubting their capability.  If you notice any areas of competency that are missing from the list, invite a discussion with your child to make sure they have the relevant skills and strategies.

3.  FOSTER OPEN COMMUNICATION ABOU THE UPCOMING TRANSITION

Consider having ongoing conversations with your child about their transition to greater independence. Create a supportive environment by remaining open to hearing ALL their ideas although they may differ from yours, reserving judgement and allowing them to be heard and validated, and only tackling one topic at a time. You may find that it helps to schedule time to have conversations so they are not bombarded with serious topics throughout the entire day.  This is an emotional time for them!  If they are having fun, allow that without inserting practical conversations about the future. Creating a safe place for open communication will strengthen your relationship and enable you to provide valuable guidance as they navigate new experiences.

4.  BEGIN PLANNING NEW WAYS TO SPEND YOUR FREE TIME

Focus on nurturing your own interests and relationships outside of parenthood. As your child becomes more independent, you may find yourself with additional time and energy to invest in other areas of your life. While there once was a time that you would have done ANYTHING for some of this, it can now feel unwanted or overwhelming. Acknowledge those feelings, use the skills mentioned above to address them, and take this opportunity to rediscover hobbies, reconnect with friends, or explore new opportunities for personal growth. Investing in yourself not only enriches your own life but also serves as a positive example for your child as they pursue their own passions and interests.

5.  EMBRACE YOUR OWN TRANSFORMATION

Embrace the idea that the empty nest phase is an opportunity for your own personal growth and self-discovery. It marks a significant transition in your life, from the intense days of hands on parenting to a more relaxed chapter with a greater focus on yourself and perhaps a significant other. It’s a chance to redefine your identity and priorities. Take this time to reflect on your goals, aspirations, and values. Consider pursuing new experiences, whether it’s traveling, volunteering, or furthering your education. Embracing change with an open mind can lead to unexpected opportunities for growth and fulfillment.

The empty nest phase, and its anticipation, can spark a roller coaster of emotions.  By incorporating these additional strategies, you can enhance your journey through the empty nest phase, help your child thrive, and embrace the next chapter of your life with optimism and resilience.  Consider the concept of “letting go” gradually. Recognize that the transition to an empty nest is a process, not an event, and allow yourself time to adapt emotionally.

Now, review the ideas above, choose at least 1 that resonates most with you, and write out a plan for implementation.  Add on others as you feel able, and prepare to thrive during this phase of life.

I have created a companion workbook for this article.  Download it for FREE below and use as a journal to complete guided exercises that help you create your tool box of coping strategies.